Valentine’s Day As Told By A Future Crazy Cat Lady
Valentine’s day. The Hallmark Holiday. The biggest reminder to all of those without baes that they are likely to remain single for the rest of their lives. And yes, the usual expectation for the day is that this group of people should be sad about their lots in life. Bitter. Morose. But I say nay. I reject that. I have fully embraced my future as a crazy cat lady (much to the chagrin of my mother) and I highly encourage all of you single ladies (and misters) to do the same. Now usually, I would suggest my fellow singles to go about Valentine’s day as if it were any other normal day. However, due to the fact that everything Valentine’s day themed gets shoved in your face constantly while leading up to the day of reckoning, I would say it’s pretty impossible. So, combined with my wish to impart my knowledge and the fact that writing this seems pretty cathartic, I offer all you single pringles some alternative Valentine’s day activities (Future Crazy Cat Lady approved ones at that).
You Have to Start Somewhere
Start making or adding on to a list for potential cat (or dog…or really any kind of pet) names. Naming a pet is basically the same as naming another human being (disclaimer: I wouldn’t really know but we’re going to go along with it). You can never not be too prepared.
The Data Don’t Lie
If you’re feeling a bit pessimistic about the whole love thing and would like to continue feeling pessimistic, consider these statistics that I found on the internet after doing a quick google search (take their validity as you will). Most sites report 50% of marriages in the US end in divorce. Others (as in the Washington Post) say that the rate is more around 29- 45% (when looking at different factors such as education level and race).
^Scenes from the Brangelina divorce… Too soon?
Love = Potential Public Humiliation
I swear to you all that I’m not trying to hate on love, but, if you are in fact looking for another reason to appreciate the single life, I would recommend looking up failed and or rejected proposals on YouTube. Cringey, awful, and painful don’t even begin to cover it.
THERE WAS ROOM FOR TWO
Watch Titanic if only for the valuable life lesson you get at the end of it. You can’t trust anybody – especially those that you’re supposedly ‘in love’ with. I don’t care what James Cameron says. If it’s that true, out of this world, soulmate love – YOU MAKE ROOM ON THE GOSH DARN DOOR, ROSE. Or, you make it work somehow. The point being made here is YOU DON’T LET 90s ERA LEONARDO DICAPRIO FREEZE IN THE WATER WITHOUT TRYING TO DO SOME KIND OF MCGYVERING, ROSE. (All those who think otherwise are welcome to come and fight me).
Jim Carrey gets it.
If you’re really not a Titanic fan – literally watch any other romance movie with a sad ending. Atonement. Moulin Rouge. A Walk to Remember. Your options are pretty endless, and if that doesn’t make you wanna back away from the whole lovveeeee mess, well, I mean, to each their own.
The Real Day of Reckoning
And last but not least, start making your battle plans for one of my favorite days of the year: Valentine’s Candy Sale Day (maybe it’s not an officially recognized holiday, but I think of it as such). The obscene amount of heart shaped sweets that stores stock in preparation for the holiday are sometimes discounted anywhere from 75-90%. It’s a thing of beauty to walk out of your local CVS with a bag full of candy. Anyone that says otherwise is lying to the world and most importantly themselves.